Still seeking joy in all the hard

I finished radiation. Woohoo!

I laid on the table for my last radiation this week. There is a mold made that fit my arms up over my head and my head slightly turned to the left. Each of the 25 times I’d get positioned on the table the techs would line my body up with the lasers to set me in the exact spot each day. I lay there, still as I can and all I have are my thoughts and occasionally some music. It was only 5-10 minutes but the quiet stillness was actually nice. The burn and the pain is not so nice, but I’m looking for the bright side here ha!

As I continued this day after day I would pray. I thought a lot about prayer. Prayer seems like lots of words but I think I’m learning that prayer is less about talking and more about being in God’s presence.

Trust.

Abide.

Love.

Simply being with God is prayer.

Jesus made a way for us to talk and listen to God by being the ultimate sacrifice. The veil is torn and we don’t have to rely on a mediator to talk with God. To be with God in all his holiness. To seek his wisdom and accept his comfort. To think he loves us this way blows my mind. That he would want to just sit with us. And it’s not just me but all the billions of people he created. His majesty and glory on full display in a simple act of sitting in stillness before the almighty God.

What a gift.

I can’t fully comprehend the love he has for us. For me. The freedom of that love. I can lean on him and trust that he is in control. I’m thankful he is in the drivers seat and not me. I make way too many wrong turns on my own. He knows the way because He is the way. The truth and the light. Guiding the path before me. WITH me always. Never walking alone.

I’m an amazed by You, Lord. My savior, my friend. How lucky are we that you left glory in heaven to save us? And we get to glimpse the glory to come even in the suffering and trials. The joy you offer is beyond words. And so it’s back to what I said in the beginning of this rambling. Prayer is less about all the words and more about You. Thank you for showing me this, God. I hope it frees me to seek you even more.