"I will cling to the lover of my soul"

Lyrics from "Song in the Night"

A song has been on my mind all day. “Song in the Night” by Shane and Shane. It talks about letting go of the rudder in the storm. That line has been running through my thoughts over and over.

Why do we fight for control of everything? What is it about our flesh that thinks we know best?

My flesh says cancer isn’t fair and I don’t want to lose my hair and I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to see these scars. My heart is longing for an answer that isn’t for me to understand. I am reminded of the verse that I clung to during the season I decided to be baptized.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I do trust God. With everything. So, when I feel Him whisper to let go of the rudder in the storm, he is with me in the boat, his burden is light – He asks us to come to Him - I fall back into rest. I feel His peace. Not that all of my fear and worry is gone but I do know He is in control and I would rather know that and trust it than think I know best.

The God who created with a word is in control. Not me. Not me with my frail body and worried mind. The Almighty, powerful, merciful God is in control.

I am reflecting on this as I sit here with my hair loss. This cancer has taken so much of what I once considered part of my femininity and my beauty. As women, we all want to be lovely. We want to be told we are beautiful and we want to feel beautiful. We buy makeup and all the latest skincare. We hunt for the perfect outfit for our next big event. We visit the beauty salon to keep our gorgeous locks shiny and healthy, and in my case blonde and not gray, ha! It isn’t a bad thing to want to keep up our appearance, but what if that appearance becomes an idol? What if when it is all stripped away, we question the love of our Father?

A friend told me recently beauty is experienced and hard to capture. Like a full moon low in the sky, it is hard to see in a photo what you actually see at the moment. So much of our society considers beauty as a Snapchat filter, flawless, young, perfect.

Have you ever listened to or read Freedom of Self-forgetfulness by Tim Keller? He quotes C.S. Lewis about humility, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” How transforming to seek our sense of identity in God! Keller says, “So I simply need to ask God to accept me because of what the Lord Jesus has done. Then, the only person whose opinion counts looks at me and He finds me more valuable than all the jewels in the earth…Like Paul, we can say, ‘I don’t care what you think. I don’t even care what I think. I only care about what the Lord thinks’ (Corinthians 4:3-4 paraphrased).”

Oh, how I pray I can get to this point, where I quit seeking the approval of man but only seek to show the love of God to his people. To give up what I think is control. I care way too much about not having any hair. How to get dressed. Putting on my makeup. Maybe this is a blessing that Jesus is leading me out of this bondage and showing me true beauty lies within. And within lies the Holy Spirit, the living God that shines His light through me. Loving others and not caring how they see me, only that they see Him in me.

Song in the Night by Shane and Shane

The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness by Tim Keller