Did you want to hear an update?
Where have you been for months? I am still here! :)
When I wrote my first post I wanted people to know what was happening in my life. There wasn’t a good way to tell “everyone” that I had breast cancer and was suffering. I just knew I was about to lose my hair and would go out into the world looking like a different person. I wanted to get it out there so when I ran into people I hadn’t seen in a long time they wouldn’t think, “Oh wow, what is happening to her?”. Well, that plan was self-preservation at its finest. I still have trouble walking out of the house because since losing my hair in July, and my eyebrows and eyelashes in September, I still have that self-conscious feeling. I had to psych myself up to work at the concession stand as assigned for the kids’ basketball game last week! I don’t think we ever get over that middle school kid feeling of everyone looking at us and judging us.
I have a whole different view of beauty now. I was totally bought into what our society has fed us on what makes someone beautiful. Having everything stripped away from me has really worn me down. My mental health struggle is just as hard as the physical was and is. The first round of chemo consisted of 2 kinds of chemo (Adriamycin and Cytoxan). I had four extremely hard rounds over 8 weeks. Every other week I was beat down and would be so sick for a week. The second round of chemo lasted 3 months. The treatment plan for this type (Taxol) was given weekly. I was terrified of the second round. The first had been so overwhelmingly hard that I couldn’t imagine having to do it weekly. Everyone assured me the weekly treatment was nothing like the first. They were right. But, it had its own set of challenges. Mostly, it was the cumulative effect of the chemo. It builds and builds and wears you down.
I had the first treatment of Taxol and went to work the next day. I felt fine! I couldn’t believe it. I thought I could handle this! They were right, it wasn’t anything like the Red Devil I had survived. But, as the weeks wore on I started to feel the effects. Fatigue is not something I could totally understand until I felt it. I wasn’t sleeping because of the steroids they gave during the infusion. That paired with the chemo threw me into an exhaustion that I haven’t felt since being a new mom. Week after week I got worse and worse. I hurt all over. I was so tired. My brain was foggy. My hormones were out of whack and had thrown me into menopause. I know you didn’t sign on to read this pity party, and I am sorry for all the details but the reality was I was not doing well at all.
I couldn’t write because I was fighting. I can see why some call it battling cancer. It is a constant, daily fight. Now that the fighting is over and I am not getting chemo my body is healing. I finished my last treatment and hit the gong on November 14. I knew I wouldn’t be “all better” the next day but I wasn’t prepared to feel even worse the next week. I did hit a bottom though and I am feeling stronger every day. Now that I am not enduring the physical beat down of chemo I can start to heal mentally. I know that is going to take a lifetime.
I was secretly hoping I would wake up one morning and I would have new hair starting to grow as I was expecting. But, to my dismay, it is now growing in like an old man with a receding hairline. So the lesson I am learning about vanity continues. Nothing like a little humble pie every time you look in the mirror. I do think I am looking less sick and I am thankful for that. I have a long road ahead and still have to complete daily radiation for 6 weeks, but for now, I am on a break and I am trying to come up for air and see all the goodness that surrounds me. I don’t like focusing on myself so much.
I recently read Unshakable Hope by Max Lucado. In it, he shares chapter after chapter of the promises of God. He said near the end of the book that after a trial in his life, “The devil got my attention but he didn’t have it for long. The promises of God were like a fire extinguisher on his flame.” I am gearing up for a new fight. The fight for my mind. The devil may have had my attention for a bit while I was suffering, but I know my God is stronger.
Lucado also shared, “Is what I’m hooked to stronger than what I’ll go through?” 1 Timothy 4:10 says we have put our hope in the living God. Are we standing on the problems of life or the promises of God? There is that word again, HOPE. It is a theme I want to explore more in this season.
The song I keep hearing, and I don’t think it is a coincidence that is it playing at this moment on the XM app as I write, is Cody Carnes - Firm Foundation. “He’s faithful through generations, so why would He fail now, He won’t.”
Love you, Sandy!!
Dear Sandy thank you for the update. You are in our prayers daily. I know exactly how the hair thing feels. It felt like forever and then all at once you look in the mirror and hair has grown back enough to see you again. It takes time but eventually we can thank God for all the growing we have done. I couldn’t believe the difference no eyebrows or eyelashes can make. I’m so thankful you have good Christian women supporting you. I had so many scriptures that helped me every day. I learned to speak out loud for the evil one to be gone. You can control the negative thoughts. God has this 🙏. I had a song that played all the time. My grandkids would sing it at the top of their lungs. It was I’m going to see a victory for the battle belongs to the Lord by Elevation Worship. I’m always here for you if you wish to talk. Stay strong in your loving Fathers arms. This battle is His. ❤️